La Mia Vita


Friday, June 02, 2006

i'm sitting in my living room eating large amounts of chocolate, ready to go to bed after this episode of "modern girl's" is over. i had asparagus along with my rice pilaf for dinner. it was delicious. and that is my friday night. while i feel somewhat loser-ish, i'm glad i'm not out drinking my face off and getting wasted for no reason except that it's THE thing to do since i'm in college. besides, if i were to drink i would probably drunk dial, and we all know that's not a good idea.
i'm sad that he's not here, and that makes me upset because i was beyond that fase...i was already moving on to the "it's all for the better" fase: you know, where you make yourself see how bad things were, and that you're really better off being on your own. even if you love him, miss him, and wish his arm was around you when you fall asleep. yeah, i was doing alright...until he called and decides we need to talk - in person - because somehow in the past month he's had the realization that was missing in the past one and a half years. umm...okay. so then i'm back to loving you being here, driving all the way here to see me, and suddenly i'm back to being all mopey because you're all i think about once again. well, at least in between work and work and school. dammit, i'm a productive person; i have things to worry about, and that shouldn't include why we had an amazing weekend but still can't clarify what the hell this relationship is supposed to be. there's too much emphasis on our physical relationship, and that won't take this long distance situation very far. and maybe comfort is a part of it...but everytime i look at him, it's this giddy feeling of excitement you have with new love that never seems to fade. but i tell myself that it shouldn't be enough to justify all the instability and pain this all brings. love is a bitch. there was this quote i read and loved, that said basically that love isn't fair, because all it takes is for someone to catch you off gaurd with a simple smile, and then you lose all control and it's no longer in your hands...the power shifts to the other and they have the ability to rip your heart apart if they choose. that's how i feel: loss of control. and i HATE not being in control of my emotions.
today there was work and posse...and zach had to tell me that the funny weather on thursday was about me, because i didn't get it. i'm sort of clueless like that sometimes, so if someone writes or talks about me, most likely i won't realize unless you tell me. i'd call it being more oblivious than naive. anyhoo, i'm super excited about a project i'm working on now, though i'm not sure how it'll turn out :)
tommorow i work at the store. i'm stoked, because i haven't been in a while. it'll be good to see where everything has been moved to, and i'll feel lost because being away from gap for 5 days is like leaving for a month. i think il'l start taking the pill again, though i'm hesitant as to whether it's going to fuck with my emotions. or maybe i'll try the ring, because apparently it's all the new rage. we'll see. oh, and i'm all out of money.


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