La Mia Vita


Sunday, April 23, 2006

random fact about me: i secretly love watching country music videos. i don't know why, it's not like i listen to it on a regular basis. but i have these phases where i'll listen to it for a while, and watch CMT for days. right now i'm watching keith urban perform on some award show. he's my country music crush, and whenever i'm in nashville i always hope to run into him :)

while i want to get away from all this and move somewhere abroad, i can't help but think how much i'd miss texas. i want to live in nyc, cali, paris; but i don't want to move around every 4 years anymore. i really do love texas, and the south...and the more i stay here, i know the harder it will be to leave. i just want to have it all, the stability of settling down, but the excitement of new places and cultures. i want to make gourmet food in my country-style kitchen. i want to be able to listen to nouveau rock, and at the same time not be made fun of for playing my faith hill cd. i want both lanvin heels and cowboy boots.

this is the first time i've been able to stop and think about everything since thursday night. i'm feeling okay, but i guess it's only because i've been busy. i worked all day today, and it'll be the same tommorow. i know i shouldn't be sad, because i need my own time right now, but the thought of it all being over hurts so much right now. i guess i heard things i needed to hear, but it doesn't change the fact that right now i'm so completely scared of being alone. not just physically, but mentally...knowing i can't call him anymore, and that he really won't call me. there's no more trying, wondering, hoping; all over. i need so much to know that everything will be okay.

DT slumber party friday night was fun, got to hang out with all the girls from the Texan. i had to come home and get sleep because of my long work day, but it was nice to hang out with them and just chill. ash and alex are in arlington again, which doesn't make things easier for me and my wanting to be there...besides the fact that i don't want to be alone right now. at least i'll work all of tommorow as well. yay for making money. which, in turn, does not bring happiness. but maybe new shoes will help :)


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