La Mia Vita


Monday, April 24, 2006

i've had OAR stuck in my head the entire day:
Love me faster than the devil
Run me straight into the ground
Drowning deep inside your water
Drown in love and memories

-i worked 10-7
-came home and cooked dinner
-watched repeats of desperate housewives and grey's
-planned my schedule to register tommorow
-and now i will force myself to read my political philosophy hw

Sunday, April 23, 2006

random fact about me: i secretly love watching country music videos. i don't know why, it's not like i listen to it on a regular basis. but i have these phases where i'll listen to it for a while, and watch CMT for days. right now i'm watching keith urban perform on some award show. he's my country music crush, and whenever i'm in nashville i always hope to run into him :)

while i want to get away from all this and move somewhere abroad, i can't help but think how much i'd miss texas. i want to live in nyc, cali, paris; but i don't want to move around every 4 years anymore. i really do love texas, and the south...and the more i stay here, i know the harder it will be to leave. i just want to have it all, the stability of settling down, but the excitement of new places and cultures. i want to make gourmet food in my country-style kitchen. i want to be able to listen to nouveau rock, and at the same time not be made fun of for playing my faith hill cd. i want both lanvin heels and cowboy boots.

this is the first time i've been able to stop and think about everything since thursday night. i'm feeling okay, but i guess it's only because i've been busy. i worked all day today, and it'll be the same tommorow. i know i shouldn't be sad, because i need my own time right now, but the thought of it all being over hurts so much right now. i guess i heard things i needed to hear, but it doesn't change the fact that right now i'm so completely scared of being alone. not just physically, but mentally...knowing i can't call him anymore, and that he really won't call me. there's no more trying, wondering, hoping; all over. i need so much to know that everything will be okay.

DT slumber party friday night was fun, got to hang out with all the girls from the Texan. i had to come home and get sleep because of my long work day, but it was nice to hang out with them and just chill. ash and alex are in arlington again, which doesn't make things easier for me and my wanting to be there...besides the fact that i don't want to be alone right now. at least i'll work all of tommorow as well. yay for making money. which, in turn, does not bring happiness. but maybe new shoes will help :)

Thursday, April 20, 2006

i love rainy days when i get to stay at in bed and do nothing all day. i hate days like today, when i have to walk around campus and it's all muddy.
i have so much reading to do it's ridiculous. i'm too sleepy to get anything done right now, so i suppose i might as well go to bed. however, i have a feeling there will be a quiz tommorow in government. it's as if my way-too-cheerful professor wants to screw us over with all these quizzes.

Monday, April 17, 2006

today i was watching the colbert report, and his guest, reza aslan, was this guy i interviewed for a Texan story. it was pretty cool, he was on there talking about his book. so that was interesting :)
i almost skipped my TXA class today, but i decided i should show up...only to find out there was a test. i haven't really been paying attention, nor was i aware/prepared. so that means i did really bad, but it's my pass/fail class, so hopefully i'll be okay.
i have to be up super duper early tommorow for work, so i'm out for the night.
the high for tommorow is 100 (uns 40 graus? sempre quis saber se eh isso mesmo), and that means shorts. summer outfits are always cuter than winter ones. maybe it's the colors, i just looove summer colors because they remind me of flowers, open skies, and the ocean.
i'm making a list of songs i want for a mix cd, and right now my latest favorite is the new shakira song, about her hips. that is one catchy song, and it seems to always be on the radio when i'm driving home from work. it makes me want to dance, but you need a guy who can really dance to make that song worth it.
i'm being random....because i feel uneventful, and there's not much to say for today. no grey's anatomy, but desperate housewives was okay. i totally forgot it was even easter, until my stepdad called super duper early to ask why i wasn't in houston at my aunt's. umm....because i have a job that you said i needed to get, i said. then he said my mom sent me a big chocolate easter egg, and he was going to leave it in houston until i could come pick it up. ONCE AGAIN...i won't be there for a while, since i work weekends now. damn it, don't ever tease me with chocolate and then tell me i can't have it! i guess that's how guys feel with sex.

Friday, April 14, 2006

so i didn't make it into j325, which i'm taking as a sign that i'm not supposed to be in photography. which i guess i'm kind of realizing on my own, just by how i feel about it. it will always be a hobby, but print is where i want to be. i DID get p1 today with my story for the Texan, so that made everything better :)
my byline has always been just stephanie matlock, but i always feel really bad about it, because i know my mother's maiden name is such a big deal to her. she hates it that i never sign my middle name on anything. so i'm trying to decide a way to incorporate it, and still sound okay. my entire name is too long, and i don't feel particularly special about the other middle name, ann. so, just for fun, yesterday i changed it to stephanie a. l. matlock. it's concise, but has all my initials. i guess i'll worry about it later.
i have reasons right now to be extremely confused, however i'm surprisingly calm. can things just be clear, for once in my life?? is it too much to ask for just a normal relationship?? apparently, yes. i even managed to baffle my therapist yesterday.
i need to get paid, or allowance, or something. not that i really need to spend much right now, i don't go out or anything. but the idea of financial stability is quite nice. with my mom covering rent and bills, i feel bad asking for money for my cel bill, but soon i'll be able to deal with that.
it's sooo sunny today! i want to go lay out with vicky, but i have to work. hopefully it'll be nice all weekend long :)

Thursday, April 13, 2006

i just thought about going home for christmas, and it made me really excited...i can't wait for the beach again, and actually not having to do anything. i suppose this summer won't really be a vacation, since i'll still be working and going to school: but with little breaks for laying out in between :)
i'm really happy right now, for some reasons: for starters, the shoes i wore to work today turned out to be very comfy, which was a plus. and the day went by pretty fast, as well. second, the new cd at the store has my current favorite song on it, "over my head," by the fray. little details, but hey, those are what count. however, the MAIN reason i'm so excited is because i got a place to stay for the summer. i got this awesome place i really wanted, it'll be close to everything, and now i don't feel so unsure about my plans. i guess i just didn't know how everything was going to fall into place, but now it's really working out. i'll be on lake austin, and be able to go get sun and swim at deep eddie's (which i haven't really heard of, but apparently it's awesome). so, i suppose this will be a very productive summer.
obs: at this point, i'm willing to pay someone to clean my room. seriously, i just don't have time. i have to weigh it out: sleep vs. cleaning. sleep ALWAYS wins. it's not that bad, really. besides some dusting and cleaning, the clutter is mainly due to random papers which need to be filed, bills and statements that need putting away, and loose slides which need to be stored into those clear plastic sheets. that's about it, since i took care of the clothes the other day.
tommorow will be eventful...first i have to find out what i'll be writing about, then i have to go apartment hunting with alex for the fall, followed by therapy, and then if i have time, i want to sit in on ash's interpersonal comm class. she said tommorow's lecture is on sex and intimacy, and i think it could be very interesting. especially since everyone says this dr. daly is such a badass. also, tommorow i believe i find out whether or not i got into j325. i hope that goes well.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

i don't think i look thinner, but i lost 6 pounds. i weighed myself today and, within the past 2-3 weeks, something happened. maybe it's just because i'm busy...and i have been eating better; no more wendy's everyday. i wonder what will happen, now that i stopped taking the pill. i figured i might as well stop for a while, especially since the time i've been off it, i've noticed i'm much less moody and emotional. little things don't seem to get to me as much, and i feel more focused on what i need to get done. i just hope my weight stops fluctuating, it's such a pain to get new pants and have to worry about how my body's reacting to everything. i really need to take care better care of myself.
I have tons to do tommorow, and hopefully I'll get most of it done. I get to sleep in (yay!), then I have to clean my room (so I don't go crazy), study french, read gov't and some case study, stop by post office, go to class, UFG meeting, and finally, go check back on this place I'll hopefully get for the summer. It'd be perfect, location and everything. I need to get out of Riverside, the faster the better.
I'm losing my appetite, I guess it's because I've been really busy lately. I just don't really feel like eating, not that I'm not really hungry, I just have no cravings. Which is weird for me. And all I want to eat are fresh things, like salads and fruit. I don't really buy lettuce, I don't ever think I make good salads at home. I know it's stupid, because they're easy to make, but I just don't like my home-made salads. So that leaves me with little options which sound good....I'm so sick of pasta, and everything else takes too long. Geez, I'm becoming a lazy cook...this is horrible.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

I cleaned a little, but I still have to organize a stack of papers, and wash my sheets. I bought the cutest Easter card for my grandparents, but I can't find the picture I wanted to send along with it...I need to get on that, since I only have this week left.
I had a good day at work today, I learned a lot, and everyone was really nice. Everything's so fast paced, but it keeps me going. I work Friday night and most of Saturday, so there's no way I could make it to Arlington for Leyla's birthday. It's hard, wanting to be free to do things like go up there, but then again having to work. But I like working, and I'm glad I'm finally doing things for myself that I know will benefit me. Maybe this will sound terrible...I guess I'm always so insecure about my personal life, with not feeling validated or respected, that I throw myself into my professional life because I know I'm appreciated. When an editor tells me I did a good job on a story, it makes me want to write more and work to become better. Likewise, it's nice to hear you did a good job on a sale. It's motivating. Guys don't motivate me, I only get brought down. I had a guy tell me once that I was beautiful. I liked him, and he said it while looking into my eyes, in a way that hurt. I didn't believe him, though. I don't know if it was because I'd never heard it before, not even from the one person that mattered, and here he was saying it so openly; or because he was leaving. He couldn't possibly mean it. I don't get compliments like that from guys for free. The ones that say it don't know me enough to realize that it takes a lot of time and trust for me to actually believe it, or even accept it.
Shopping really IS therapy, I don't care what anyone says. I'm broke until the end of the week, but then I'll treat myself to some new jeans...I blame it on my job, and having to try on so many cute pairs that it's impossible to resist.
Grey's Anatomy repeats are enough to ruin my Sunday it too much to ask that they have new episodes, considering they get paid millions!?

Friday, April 07, 2006

Highlight of my day: getting sun by the pool, which means that summer is finally starting. I'm going to try to wake up early tommorow so I can go lay out again, hopefully before the sun gets too hot. I also have some chores to take care of, and I don't want to sleep away my day. I got my schedule for Gap, I'll be extremely busy all next week. I'm excited, I start sunday.
Ash left last night to go to Arlington. It feels lonely without her. I haven't really seen anybody today. I mean, I went to school (Jacob helped me study for my TXA lab test, which was damn hard), but I haven't talked to anyone since this afternoon. I wanted to go out tonight, but I'm tired so I'm ready for bed. I wasted time driving around today, because I forgot I needed to stop by the health center to get my pill, so I drove back to school. After getting upset because I couldn't find parking ANYWHERE, I just left. Maybe it's a sign I should stop taking it for a while. I guess I don't really have reason to stay on it right now, but then again, I don't have any side effects, so I might as well just keep taking it. I don't know, I'm confused.
Umm...a car commercial just used a quote saying it was "peppy in traffic"...what the hell does that mean?? lol
I'm going to bed, after I finish watching Rachel Ray give her $40 a day tips.
The other day, I saw one of the best commercials I've seen in a really long time. It was for Visa, and it just said "Life is..." and played all these scenes, and it was amazing. Good commercials really make me happy, I don't exactly know why.
Today was looong, it feels like I did so much. I'm happy, really...and I think things will continue to get better. Not that this isn't hard, but I know it'll pass. I deleted his number from my cel, and I don't even regret it. Yay for me.
My day consisted of...
-writing two stories for the Texan
-checking out apartments for fall
-turning in my portfolio for j325
-napping in class
-experiencing the craziness of Austin

Thursday, April 06, 2006

There are some songs that just invoke so many emotions…all you need to hear are those first few beats to feel the rush of memories overtake you. It pisses me off to think that some songs are always going to be associated with negative feelings, and I hate you for that. I hate you for many reasons right now, but mainly I hate myself for putting up with it all. I can take a lot, no, actually I think I manage to purposely overlook actions that I claim I wouldn’t take from anyone. Clearly, you aren’t just anyone. But then again, neither am I. So I’m tired of being treated as if I were disposable, as though I’m the one who’ll be here whenever you need the reassurance of someone to call on. I need the same amount of commitment that I’m willing to give, the same kind of love I feel; and it’s clear I won’t find that in you.

Is it too much to say Dido is wise? Maybe, but she has good lyrics:
So see me when your 40, lost and all alone
being comforted by strangers you'll never need to know
not sad because you lost me
but sad because you thought it was cool to be sad
You think misery will make you stand apart from the crowd
well if you had walked past me today, I wouldn't have picked you out

What I did today:
-skipped french and political philosophy
-went to the DT picnic: had snacks and met new people
-went to textiles, and then art history
-studied the course schedule: realized I have no idea what classes to take next semester
-slept on the bus
-came home and watched Good Eats
-looked for places to live over the summer
-went to Mozart's with Ash and worked on my statement of purpose for j325
-didn't study for my textiles lab test

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Tommorow I start my other new job in retail. I wish my Texan paycheck paid for more than gas, but it's understandable. Hopefully next semester my schedule will allow me to work more than just one day a week.
I've made my decision on summer plans. Even though I'd love to be in Arlington, I know staying in Austin will be more beneficial for me. I'll work, take some classes, and it'll be easier to already be settled here for when school starts. Plus, I'm excited to experience Austin in the seems like there's so much to do. Maybe I'll find something outdoors-y that I'll really enjoy, and then I can have a new hobby. Today I went with Ash to show her parents Gregory Gym, and I realized how much I need to start working out, and that there's no better place to start. I figure I need to get into a routine again, now that dance ended, and even though working out isn't my favorite, I can learn to tolerate it. Oooh, and I can go swimming outside and have an excuse to get some sun.
Today we studied Dorthea Lange's photos in my art history class, and I got really upset at this guy who kept trying to say that she was lying about not posing her subjects. It was just so annoying; I wanted to defend her, and photographers, and the art of capturing the perfect moment...but I just sat there and thought I shouldn't get all worked up.
I really want a bottle of sauvignon blanc, and I hate that I don't know anyone here who can provide it for me. And I want to try a pinot gris, experiment a little. Maybe when I get some lemons I can make caipirinhas for the girls, since at least we have some cachaca.

Monday, April 03, 2006

It feels like today's been a long day...waking up with his arms around me was nice, but now I'm going to bed alone, once again. Nothing's constant. That's the story of my life. I wish I could've spent more time with him, but I don't think that would've made much difference in clearing up the situation. And I didn't want to fight, not when it seems like that's all that happens lately. But I know this won't make it all better, nor will it change anything...fleeting moments...nothing more expected. I guess that's how I feel about a lot of things lately, I don't expect much from anyone anymore. It takes a lot for you to prove yourself to me, nowadays.
Later me, Ash, and her parents went to Whole Foods and the Fine Arts Festival. It was a lot of fun, even with the heat. Ash got some amazing prints from one of her favorite photographers. I got a sketch from this guy who does all these nudes using just pencil. It's a man and woman, and kind of explicit, but all in good taste. I'll have to frame it.
I slept once we got back, and then watched Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy. I did laundry, tried to study, got tired and just hung out with Ash for a while. We were looking up all these Death Cab songs, and she said she wanted to dedicate this one for me, because she thought of me when she heard it:
I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved